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It's official: Pregnancy & Newborn magazine says I'm a bad mother.

Just what I always wanted to hear.

Today I took the "What's your parenting style?" in their November Issue.

Sample question:

"Your baby started coughing this morning but otherwise seems fine. You_____ a) Immediately call the pediatrician in a panic, b) See if the cough gets worse before calling the doctor, c) Ignore it and hope it goes away on its own so you can avoid a costly doctor's visit."

I chose b) because a) I'm not a hypochondriac, and c) I'm not insane.

And for some reason I still don't get, b) loses. (Actually, I think it's a typo, but for a big, glossy magazine appealing to people with hormones that are splattering everywhere, you'd think they'd be more careful about being, you know, reassuring.) Based on my answer to that question and another one about whether you calm down your baby in the restaurant while you eat or go instead into a bathroom stall (whatever, on that one), I evidently "have some selfish tendencies left over from [my] pre-parenting days. And if [I] don't pay more attention to [my] child, [I] could hurt his self-esteem." And also stunt his development.

Evidently, "the remedy is to admit you're not as attentive as you could be."

Apparently, they got all that about me based on my answers to 5 questions, one of which was mis-scored and one of which was irrelevant (yeah, having a loud child in a restaurant doesn't make you a bad parent -- it makes you rude. I can live with that). And, in case you care, my answers to all the other ones were perfect, according to them... but because of the 2 flawed ones, I come out as a bad person.

To which I say, what the hell, Pregnancy & Newborn?????

Fine, I'll be more attentive. I'll stop taking showers (thereby eliminating the only selfish time I ever spend away from my baby). I'll look at him every second of every minute of every hour (it's close to that already -- and I do have to admit it's fun).

Above all, I'll take my parenting advice from advertisement vehicles masquerading as magazines and spend every other minute focused on the ulcer I'm sure I'll get from too much guilt.

I'm certainly not saying that I'm perfect, here, by the way -- I'm not. But I'm really beginning to hate mothering magazines. I feel like I look to them for companionship and good advice -- but every time I read one, I come away feeling like I'm doing it all wrong.

And the really stupid thing is, I'm basing whether or not to believe the advice based on the fact that they're printed on pretty, glossy paper with staged, beautiful photos.

If you ask me, I should feel guiltiest about that last part. And yet, I don't.

There's something the matter there...